Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.