ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
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Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.