Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
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I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife