Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!