me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons
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How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL