ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
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Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Birds & Planes.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky