ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.