Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer