Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

No chill.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

Stick it to the man

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died