Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

this has to be peak English

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch