Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
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“what’s it like having a sister?”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.