Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
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Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I think about this a lot
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.