Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

Hotels are back

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!