Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

Bars should have claw machines with loose cigarettes and taquitos

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.