Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
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My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?