Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

#Caturday

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*