Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

Its a hippotatomus

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?

Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?

8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.

Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?

8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?