Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow