Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free