Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

😝

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship