Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
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[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I’m ready to try another planet.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
