Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
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Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Aaaa…CHOO!
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Okay I’ll bite. What’s this “football” everyone is talking about
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.