Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

Is….Is this an option?

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect