Me (young, naive); I hope something good happens
Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny
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Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
HELP 😭
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.