Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

Breakfast in bed.

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!