Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
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How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk