[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
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Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.