Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.