Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
You Might Also Like
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful