Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
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I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Come back with a warrant
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!