Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
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HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Fun Things
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE