Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

I don’t make the rules sorry

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.