Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
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I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’