me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
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Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Very good news from my accountant
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.