me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
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THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
getting groceries
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.