Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
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well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
So glad we cleared that up
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice