ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
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11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
watching gymnastics
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
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