Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

😂 amazing answer

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

I have so many questions.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣