ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
You Might Also Like
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Its true…
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Who did it better?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )