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@dave_cactus: ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That's my baby, you idiot.
@cravin4: My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
@BadIuckBrian: Voted class president. Assassinated.
@dorsalstream: ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
@Quartzjixler: If by 'paleontologist' you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
@SkinnerSteven: The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking