@dave_cactus

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

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@Token_Geezer

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

@sweetandweak

I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.

@UpscaleHobo

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

@LeahsLounge

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

@DomesticGoddss

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

@Khanoisseur

Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least):
1. Text
2. Twitter DM
3. Email
4. Phone
5. Climb through my window
6. LinkedIn

@mrjohndarby

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.