Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
next question.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.