Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
