Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
fair
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
me
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like