Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
emergency phone
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning