*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
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Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.