Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

She might be a genius