Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.