Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
You Might Also Like
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs