Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…