Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
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Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-