me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
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Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
aesthetic
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Gemma Correll
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”