me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
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Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?