me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Me recordaron éste meme
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite