Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf