Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
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ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
yeet
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”