[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
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Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I don’t want to lock my account because I like to help my X’s feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I’m still a drunk.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I do it doggy style… as in I spin around three times before I sit on the toilet.