Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
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my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
OKAY DAD
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it