ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
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The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much