ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
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A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.