ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
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Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.