Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
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GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Goodnight 🐶
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.