Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
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Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”