Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
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I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up