Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
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flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
me at the job i begged god for
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.