Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals

GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

Love thy neighbor’s dog

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.