Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

[David Attenborough voice]

and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is