Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my name if I was in the mob

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

how long have you had this for?

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Midwest trash talk

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.