Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
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Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
