Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
accurate
