Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
SCARY COSTUME
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
a god among men
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.