Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
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good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out